With the Internet being widely available to many in the world for decades now, online dating is a natural evolution of human interaction. The Dom/sub culture has especially grown because of this. What was once relegated to classified ads in the back of local lifestyle magazines (which were only available in larger population areas), is now open to a massive audience.
Finding someone to date is always exciting. But finding someone to date that is into your kink can feel like it is “meant to be”. Often both people have been craving someone who can provide them an outlet for expressing their role. This creates a sense of urgency which often clouds judgement.
A D/s contract is one of the two formalities I encourage everyone choosing this relationship style to embrace. The other is the collar. As a symbol, it’s secondary to the collar, but as a cornerstone to a solid foundation, it is certainly the first important thing you will develop together.
The contract clearly defines the responsibilities and expectations of both the Dom and the sub. It clearly outlines the role of each by stating what each will do. For example:
- The Dominant will never purposefully neglect the submissive.
- The Dominant will never punish the submissive when he is angry.
- The Dominant will never lie to or keep secrets from the submissive.
- The submissive will place full trust in her Dom and know that he will not abuse her.
- The submissive will obey the directives of her Dom without question.
- The submissive will attend to every sexual desire of her Dom at any time or place that he requires.
The most significant and outward symbol of a D/s relationship is the collar. It is her constant reminder of her devotion to you and your ownership of her. It displays this to everyone who sees it. Some will understand and be happy for her, others will consider her some sort of sexual deviant and others may pity her because they assume she is either a victim or has very low self-esteem. The humiliation that she may endure from strangers causes her to tingle. It makes her wet. It strengthens her. Despite what the ill-informed may believe, only the most confident and joy-filled woman can proudly wear a slave collar. This is a symbol far more cherished than any other item she will ever wear.
In opposition to the culture of wedding rings, her first collar should not be some expensive accessory you order from Amazon online or some Fetish website. This is something you must personalize as much as possible. You must hand select the material. Will it be leather? Metal? A chain? Lace? Cord? Rubber? What color will it be? What adornments will it have? The design of the first collar should have some significance that you can explain to her. Why did you make the choices you did?
Being Dominant or submissive is an expression of who we are. It’s not a role we play on weekends for a little variety. It is our sexual nature. Being a Dominant permeates your entire life. At work, I deal with computers and those that have to use them. I approach every situation with confidence. When a person is stressed or feels overwhelmed with a technology issue, I bring them assurance, stability and comfort in knowing that I have the problem under control and will resolve it. Being Dominant isn’t a sexual only disposition. It is how I interact with the world.
The submissive desires to please. She typically seeks out employment where she is able to heal and nurture or provide valued service. Making others happy by doing for them is her sole focus. The submissive’s identity is her ability to satisfy and provide comfort. I know that many women also choose a submissive home life do so because they are dominant in their career, have many responsibilities, or just have to make important decisions all day. Some enjoy the balance they find. This by far, in my experience, accounts for the majority of women seeking a Dom. Both the part-time submissive and the full-time by nature submissive share the desire to be controlled.
Each Dominant man will have his own method for taking a submissive. Some may be casual and just let the relationship develop into whatever it will be organically, others may have a very strict process with rules that must be followed.
While I am not as extreme as others, I do tend to prefer a well defined series of steps that cover going from someone I’m meeting for the first time to the point where I will bestow her consideration collar. This progression will typically take one to three months, depending on how often I am able to meet with her.
Tier 1. Meeting
First contact can occur in a variety of ways. For me these days, I meet submissive women through dating sites and BDSM lifestyle communities (such as FetLife). We will start with email, but quickly move to either IM or texting. I’ve learned that the initial spark is short lived. Women aren’t looking for weeks of text chat. Submissives know what they want and have little patience for men who don’t. Establish initial interest, exchange photos (don’t send a cock pic, she’s interested in your dominance not your dong), make sure she’s looking for what you’re offering, and then set up a time as soon as possible to meet in a public place. Buy her a nice dinner. Dress confident and classy. Your appearance and every action are being judged.