Every submissive needs training. Even if she is an experienced sub, there will certainly be new behaviors and tasks that you will require of her. Everyone who is being trained will sometimes need correction. In the D/s relationship, this firm correction is called punishment.
The term carries a lot of negative connotations with it. As a child, when you do something bad, you get punished. As an adult, when you are convicted of a crime, you get punished. Punishment for your sub doesn’t mean she has done something bad, it just means she has done something incorrectly (unless she is bratty, then “punishment” isn’t really a correction, but a desired reward). Before you ever take any action to modify her behavior, there are some ground rules:
One of the most important duties of a Dom is to provide structure for his submissive through control. At its core, this is what the D/s lifestyle is about. Not every submissive is a masochist that desires to receive pain. Not every submissive is a rope bunny or desires to be bound by various means. What every submissive does want is some degree of control. The very act of submission is to relinquish power to another.
So how do you give her the control she needs in order to satisfy her submission? The details will likely be worked out over time and through a bit of experimentation. Very few submissives want a total power exchange, and out of those that do, fewer still have the opportunity to fully commit to handing over all decisions to someone else. In today’s society of two career households, both the Dom and the sub are most likely going to be working outside of the home. But there are many ways you can provide the structure she craves in the relationship without the extreme of a total power exchange. Here are some ideas:
Degradation is a type of emotional sadism. Instead of causing her pain with a paddle or a crop, you hurt her with your words. Just like physical sadism it requires forethought and aftercare.
Why would a woman want a man to be verbally abusive? There could be a different motive for every single woman. She may have a high-power job, such as a manager or an attorney, where she wields influence over others. The contrast in being called a worthless slut and treated like an object can be a thrill. She may have a very emotionally draining job, such as working in an ER, one that requires she keep her emotions locked-up and under control so she can stay on top of everything. Being told she has no value beyond being holes for me to use can be the catalyst for emotional release.
A D/s contract is one of the two formalities I encourage everyone choosing this relationship style to embrace. The other is the collar. As a symbol, it’s secondary to the collar, but as a cornerstone to a solid foundation, it is certainly the first important thing you will develop together.
The contract clearly defines the responsibilities and expectations of both the Dom and the sub. It clearly outlines the role of each by stating what each will do. For example:
- The Dominant will never purposefully neglect the submissive.
- The Dominant will never punish the submissive when he is angry.
- The Dominant will never lie to or keep secrets from the submissive.
- The submissive will place full trust in her Dom and know that he will not abuse her.
- The submissive will obey the directives of her Dom without question.
- The submissive will attend to every sexual desire of her Dom at any time or place that he requires.