The Essential Dom: Humility

egoWhen someone’s sense of self-importance becomes exaggerated, we call that ego. One of the greatest perils of a Dom is to suffer from an inflated ego. I’m not talking about self-confidence. A confident man is attractive. A man who believes he is innately more valuable than others, however,  is not.

A Dom is a leader. A Dom is a decision maker. A Dom is a guide and teacher. These are all duties prescribed to his role. Having these duties is not what defines a quality Dom. It is his execution of these responsibilities that set him apart from others.

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Do’s and Don’t of Domination

Le_Rêve_d'un_flagellant_by_George_TopferA mistake I often see when interacting with other Doms is the need to be perceived as overly aggressive. Doms will often be short, snarky and confrontational for no other reason than “I’m a Dom.” The most important quality of being a Dom is not his ability to be stern and forceful. It is his ability to understand the needs of his sub. Yes, she is there for your pleasure, but that doesn’t preclude a Dom from ensuring her desires are equally met.

Here is a short list of some of the things I believe a Dom should embody as well as avoid. This is not meant to be comprehensive, but should be enough to help you understand what a high-quality Dom should strive to be:

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Online D/s Relationships

onlinedsWith the Internet being widely available to many in the world for decades now, online dating is a natural evolution of human interaction. The Dom/sub culture has especially grown because of this. What was once relegated to classified ads in the back of local lifestyle magazines (which were only available in larger population areas), is now open to a massive audience.

Finding someone to date is always exciting. But finding someone to date that is into your kink can feel like it is “meant to be”. Often both people have been craving someone who can provide them an outlet for expressing their role. This creates a sense of urgency which often clouds judgement.

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Punishing her

punishEvery submissive needs training. Even if she is an experienced sub, there will certainly be new behaviors and tasks that you will require of her. Everyone who is being trained will sometimes need correction. In the D/s relationship, this firm correction is called punishment.

The term carries a lot of negative connotations with it. As a child, when you do something bad, you get punished. As an adult, when you are convicted of a crime, you get punished. Punishment for your sub doesn’t mean she has done something bad, it just means she has done something incorrectly (unless she is bratty, then “punishment” isn’t really a correction, but a desired reward). Before you ever take any action to modify her behavior, there are some ground rules:

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Providing Structure for her

structOne of the most important duties of a Dom is to provide structure for his submissive through control. At its core, this is what the D/s lifestyle is about. Not every submissive is a masochist that desires to receive pain. Not every submissive is a rope bunny or desires to be bound by various means. What every submissive does want is some degree of control. The very act of submission is to relinquish power to another.

So how do you give her the control she needs in order to satisfy her submission? The details will likely be worked out over time and through a bit of experimentation. Very few submissives want a total power exchange, and out of those that do, fewer still have the opportunity to fully commit to handing over all decisions to someone else. In today’s society of two career households, both the Dom and the sub are most likely going to be working outside of the home. But there are many ways you can provide the structure she craves in the relationship without the extreme of a total power exchange. Here are some ideas:

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