A Sample Scene

Tiusty_Woman_on_BDSM_CrossI sent her a text, mid-day: Be on your knees, in the room when I get home.

“The room” is our play place. She knows to be stripped down to her bra, panties and stockings. There is a chain attached to the wall that she will hook to her collar as she kneels on the large cushion (a dog bed I picked up from the local pet supply store).

When I come home I take out my phone, connect the the Bluetooth speaker in the playroom downstairs and start the BDSM playlist. I then pour some whiskey on the rocks. For a few minutes I sit and relax, letting the day of work go and getting myself into the proper frame of mind.

Just as she is getting into the right frame of mind, waiting below, chained to a wall, so must I  get into my Dominant headspace. I hear the music below. I hand-picked the tracks for this specific scene type. It starts out slow, giving me time to unwind. I’m not rushed. I look at my drink, swirling the ice casually.

I’m wearing comfortable black slacks, simple white pressed-shirt, black tie and jacket. Finishing my drink, I stand, and head downstairs. I open the door and enter the playroom. It takes a moment for my eyes to adjust. It’s dark here, no windows, black lights. I like the mood it sets. There are various instruments of pleasure hanging from their hooks on the wall: floggers, leather crops, ropes, various restraints. It’s nothing extravagant. Simple and functional.

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When talking to submissives in the lifestyle, invariably I will hear a story of a past D/s relationship where they felt they were not valued. While many of us think valuing another person is basic common sense, it’s apparent that many dominant men skew their own self-assessed value to the point where their partners’ perceived worth is practically non-existent.

Hierarchical roles in no way define value. A Dom’s value is equal to his sub’s value. This is an essential concept for every Dom to grasp. Even if you’re a Master, your slave’s intrinsic value is no less than your own. D/s relationships are consensual. She serves you because she chooses to serve you. She attends to your needs and follows your direction because that is what she wants to do…follow your lead.

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Submissive Romance

subromanceOften people see the D/s relationship as being all about sex, dominance and submission (and likely some amounts of bondage and S&M sprinkled in with it). Yes, those are certainly defining aspects that set this type of relationship apart from others, but do not forget that it is still a relationship.

There are certain traits in common with almost all long term, love & sex relationships. The most important of these is romance. Many men wince at the word and unfortunately some Doms feel their role excludes them from this requirement. However, a quality Dom must take care to keep romance as a central feature. In fact, it should be held above all other facets of the relationship.

Why? Because the sub’s desire to serve is tied directly to this. It is in the same vein as the prince who rescues the maiden. It is the fairy-tale story re-written for adults with a kinky twist.

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Understanding Limits

limitsEvery relationship has limits. Every. Single. One. Those who tell you they do not have limits are either lying, delusional or not safe and sane. Yes, even slaves have limits. Thoughts to the contrary are fantasy.

Ok, so we know there are limits. But let’s take a moment to become familiar with the types of limits in the D/s lifestyle. There are a few common ones that you should be aware of and include in your own relationship.

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Rewarding Her

pamperherI’ve talked about punishment, or correction, but this is only half of the behavior modification process you, as a Dom, should employ. You must also be cognizant of when and how to reward your sub.

Positive reinforcement is, in my experience, much better for training than punishment. One method is designed to encourage a behavior you want your sub to exhibit, the other is employed to create avoidance of an unwanted behavior.

The real question is this: what do I do to reward her? My method is quite simple but immensely effective. I tailor rewards based upon her top two love languages. What are “love languages”? Well, I am referring to the Five Love Languages as described by Gary Chapman. These identify behaviors that are most likely to connect with a your sub. Once she identifies what her top two love languages are (go here to discover), you can then design your rewards around what truly touches her the most.

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