Rewarding Her

pamperherI’ve talked about punishment, or correction, but this is only half of the behavior modification process you, as a Dom, should employ. You must also be cognizant of when and how to reward your sub.

Positive reinforcement is, in my experience, much better for training than punishment. One method is designed to encourage a behavior you want your sub to exhibit, the other is employed to create avoidance of an unwanted behavior.

The real question is this: what do I do to reward her? My method is quite simple but immensely effective. I tailor rewards based upon her top two love languages. What are “love languages”? Well, I am referring to the Five Love Languages as described by Gary Chapman. These identify behaviors that are most likely to connect with a your sub. Once she identifies what her top two love languages are (go here to discover), you can then design your rewards around what truly touches her the most.

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The Essential Dom: Humility

egoWhen someone’s sense of self-importance becomes exaggerated, we call that ego. One of the greatest perils of a Dom is to suffer from an inflated ego. I’m not talking about self-confidence. A confident man is attractive. A man who believes he is innately more valuable than others, however,  is not.

A Dom is a leader. A Dom is a decision maker. A Dom is a guide and teacher. These are all duties prescribed to his role. Having these duties is not what defines a quality Dom. It is his execution of these responsibilities that set him apart from others.

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Do’s and Don’t of Domination

Le_Rêve_d'un_flagellant_by_George_TopferA mistake I often see when interacting with other Doms is the need to be perceived as overly aggressive. Doms will often be short, snarky and confrontational for no other reason than “I’m a Dom.” The most important quality of being a Dom is not his ability to be stern and forceful. It is his ability to understand the needs of his sub. Yes, she is there for your pleasure, but that doesn’t preclude a Dom from ensuring her desires are equally met.

Here is a short list of some of the things I believe a Dom should embody as well as avoid. This is not meant to be comprehensive, but should be enough to help you understand what a high-quality Dom should strive to be:

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Online D/s Relationships

onlinedsWith the Internet being widely available to many in the world for decades now, online dating is a natural evolution of human interaction. The Dom/sub culture has especially grown because of this. What was once relegated to classified ads in the back of local lifestyle magazines (which were only available in larger population areas), is now open to a massive audience.

Finding someone to date is always exciting. But finding someone to date that is into your kink can feel like it is “meant to be”. Often both people have been craving someone who can provide them an outlet for expressing their role. This creates a sense of urgency which often clouds judgement.

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Qualities of Pure Confidence

RomanticGestures_021-370x514The sociopolitical atmosphere today is complex: the promotion of new gender identities is trendy, while “cis” is a term often used disparagingly toward those whose gender identity matches their biological sex. Even though the Dom/sub lifestyle roles are not necessarily exclusive to cis-genders, they are still closely associated with them by many.

The dominant lifestyle is further marked by the abundance of people who openly identify as “dominant” but are really nothing more than assholes. Dominance isn’t about ordering a woman around or making sexual demands. A slave may be considered property, but she is also more valuable than any inanimate object. She is worth more than your car, your home, your entire material wealth. Any man who feels otherwise is not ready to own her.

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