The Essential Dom: Humility

egoWhen someone’s sense of self-importance becomes exaggerated, we call that ego. One of the greatest perils of a Dom is to suffer from an inflated ego. I’m not talking about self-confidence. A confident man is attractive. A man who believes he is innately more valuable than others, however,  is not.

A Dom is a leader. A Dom is a decision maker. A Dom is a guide and teacher. These are all duties prescribed to his role. Having these duties is not what defines a quality Dom. It is his execution of these responsibilities that set him apart from others.

I will not say anyone is or isn’t a true Dom. A person who says, “you aren’t a true Dom because… ” is just attempting to incite an argument. Relationship roles are not black and white. This means there are many types of Doms. When I refer to the essential Dom, I am describing a specific type of Dom who conducts himself with class and avoids what I consider to be negative relationship qualities.

Ego is a negative quality. It is a type of self-delusion that will interfere with the effective performance of your  duties as a Dom. Ego will prevent you from being impartial whenever considering what you want vs. what anyone else wants. If you cannot think fairly, you cannot lead fairly.

The strongest men are those who are confident enough to be humble. You can be assertive without being boastful. And admitting a mistake takes much more strength than stubbornly refusing to accept when you are wrong.

But to do this, you must be Master first of your own thoughts. The Dom who elects guide the life of a sub without first controlling his own inner self is doomed to fail. Here are a few pointers for avoiding the trap of ego:

  1. Your sub is worth the same as you. You are worth the same as every other person. Whenever you think otherwise you need to step back and re-center yourself. Seriously. Being in the role of a Dom can lead any of us down that path. Recognize it, and correct yourself when it happens.
  2. When people disagree with you, it’s not the end of the world. The opinions of others matter as well. You do not have to accept anyone else’s point of view, but do not lose sight of the fact that each person also has the right to discard your opinion for theirs. It is their right.
  3. When your sub makes a mistake, you guide them. You are their rock. You are their stability. They will know to accept your correction, but should not fear your wrath. Discipline tempered with anger is the result of ego.
  4. Reason is your guide. In a relationship, your ultimate goal is for the safety and stability of those whose charge you bear, followed by ensuring the needs and then the desires of all involved are met. Reason would dictate, for example, that the needs of the sub come before the desires of the Dom. I think this will encounter the most resistance. A need is something that is for all intents and purposes, required. Let’s say you’ve been having a long and intense session with your sub. It’s been hot and sweaty. You have her restrained and she asks you for water. You aren’t ready to take a break, however. If you make her wait, you are putting your desire over her needs and that is driven by ego.

Humility is by far one of the greatest strengths of an essential Dom. Treat it as if it’s a sacred virtue and it’s your obligation to keep it central in your mind at all times.

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