Do’s and Don’t of Domination

Le_Rêve_d'un_flagellant_by_George_TopferA mistake I often see when interacting with other Doms is the need to be perceived as overly aggressive. Doms will often be short, snarky and confrontational for no other reason than “I’m a Dom.” The most important quality of being a Dom is not his ability to be stern and forceful. It is his ability to understand the needs of his sub. Yes, she is there for your pleasure, but that doesn’t preclude a Dom from ensuring her desires are equally met.

Here is a short list of some of the things I believe a Dom should embody as well as avoid. This is not meant to be comprehensive, but should be enough to help you understand what a high-quality Dom should strive to be:


…emotionally or physically abuse your sub. This means behavior outside of scene that is meant to diminish her self-esteem. You sub should be proud to serve you rather than afraid not to serve you.

…lie to your sub. The power exchange of D/s relationship is especially dependent upon trust.

…be inconsistent. Aside from pleasing you, a sub craves structure. She wants to focus on pleasing you and not have to worry about whether or not your expectations have changed yet again. If you cannot be consistent, you are not ready to have a sub.


…communicate in a loving, attentive manner. This is a relationship based on love. She needs the emotional connection and she needs to know that you do listen to her needs.

…be fair in your correction. She should be aware of what is expected of her as well as the potential responses for transgressions.

…be affectionate. Know what her love languages are. If she loves gifts, bring her something regularly that says she was on your mind. If she loves quality time, make sure you spend ample time together doing anything: watching TV, working out, dinner at the table, etc.

Remember,  having a sub comes with a greater responsibility than a typical vanilla relationship. It’s so much more than ropes and floggers. It’s so much more than having her kneel at your feet and offer you your coffee. It’s is all about you giving her what she desires just as much as it is about receiving what you desire from her.

Dom and sub are roles in a specific style of relationship. How these roles are expressed is obviously very different, but both are equally important and neither has value without the other.

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