On Accepting Her Gift

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Each Dominant man will have his own method for taking a submissive. Some may be casual and just let the relationship develop into whatever it will be organically, others may have a very strict  process with rules that must be followed.

While I am not as extreme as others, I do tend to prefer a well defined series of steps that cover going from someone I’m meeting for the first time to the point where I will bestow her consideration collar. This progression will typically take one to three months, depending on how often I am able to meet with her.


Tier 1. Meeting

First contact can occur in a variety of ways. For me these days, I meet submissive women through dating sites and BDSM lifestyle communities (such as FetLife). We will start with email, but quickly move to either IM or texting. I’ve learned that the initial spark is short lived. Women aren’t looking for weeks of text chat. Submissives know what they want and have little patience for men who don’t. Establish initial interest, exchange photos (don’t send a cock pic, she’s interested in your dominance not your dong), make sure she’s looking for what you’re offering, and then set up a time as soon as possible to meet in a public place. Buy her a nice dinner. Dress confident and classy. Your appearance and every action are being judged.

Remember, at this point, she is considering you. This is her gift to give. She has probably offered it to an incompetent Dom at some time in the past and has learned from her error. Make no mistake, this is a negotiation, and you are selling yourself. Show the slightest hint of desperation and you blow it. She is a submissive, and will let you lead. Your confidence and knowledge will shine. If you lie or don’t know what the fuck you are talking about, she will know.


Tier 2. Exploration

If you reach this point, she has determined that you are a viable potential Dom. She believes that you may have the competence and compassion required to give her what she needs while at the same time keeping her safe. During this time, you will scene together, privately and perhaps publicly. If you are involved in your local BDSM community, this is a good time to show her off. It gives you the opportunity to demonstrate to her that your abilities are recognized, and it gives her the opportunity to display her submissive side, honoring you before your peers.

This is where the bulk of the initial progression takes place. This is where you test her limits and show her that you are empathetic and responsive to her. This is where you let her know your basic rules and expectations. This is where she proves her willingness to submit. This is where she shows you what sets her apart from other submissives. The exploration period ends when either you decide that you are satisfied with her and wish to offer her a collar of consideration, or she feels like she cannot meet your needs as you desire them.


Tier 3. The Offerings

This is the premier step in your D/s relationship with her. When you offer her the initial collar, you are in essence, asking for her submission. The collar is a sign to others in the BDSM community that she is now off limits. No other Dom should attempt to initiate any type of relationship directly with her. I offer her the collar first so she knows my intent. Some Doms prefer to wait for her to offer her gift of submission first. I see their logic: you don’t ask for a gift. But the first offer comes with the weight of possible rejection. If you offer a collar too soon, she may thank you, but inform you she is not yet ready to offer her submission in exchange. I don’t like potential rejection to hang over the head of a submissive. You, of all people, should be the one she can count on without reservation.

Your offer should be formal and romantic. I feel it is deeper than the offering of an engagement ring. It should be done with love and reverence. What you are asking of her is the single most valuable thing she has to give. Plan ahead. Do it in a place that is private or kink friendly to ensure nothing distracts from the moment.

If you have done everything right, you will be placing her first collar form you around her neck, an take your relationship to the next level!

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