A Sample Scene

Tiusty_Woman_on_BDSM_CrossI sent her a text, mid-day: Be on your knees, in the room when I get home.

“The room” is our play place. She knows to be stripped down to her bra, panties and stockings. There is a chain attached to the wall that she will hook to her collar as she kneels on the large cushion (a dog bed I picked up from the local pet supply store).

When I come home I take out my phone, connect the the Bluetooth speaker in the playroom downstairs and start the BDSM playlist. I then pour some whiskey on the rocks. For a few minutes I sit and relax, letting the day of work go and getting myself into the proper frame of mind.

Just as she is getting into the right frame of mind, waiting below, chained to a wall, so must I  get into my Dominant headspace. I hear the music below. I hand-picked the tracks for this specific scene type. It starts out slow, giving me time to unwind. I’m not rushed. I look at my drink, swirling the ice casually.

I’m wearing comfortable black slacks, simple white pressed-shirt, black tie and jacket. Finishing my drink, I stand, and head downstairs. I open the door and enter the playroom. It takes a moment for my eyes to adjust. It’s dark here, no windows, black lights. I like the mood it sets. There are various instruments of pleasure hanging from their hooks on the wall: floggers, leather crops, ropes, various restraints. It’s nothing extravagant. Simple and functional.

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Dom vs. Master

slaveThere are many roles a dominant man may fill in a hierarchical relationship. Some common examples are: Daddy, Caregiver, Dom and Master. Sometimes, however, the differences in the roles of Dom and Master are not well understood.

A Dom directs one or more subs. This is a limited power exchange where the sub obeys her Dom, but has defined limits and the ability to use a safe word at any time as a way to stop any action by her Dom. This is typically only done if the Dom is pushing her past her pain threshold or if she feels unsafe or that her limits are not being respected.

A Master owns one or more slaves. This is a total power exchange where the slave has no safe word, no limits. She places complete trust in her Master and obeys him without hesitation.

Both a Master and a Dom have a considerable amount of control over their women. The relationships will in fact look very similar in most situations. However the mental state of a sub and a slave is quite different. The sub still maintains a sense of self. She expresses her own thoughts and needs. The slave’s identity revolves around being the property of her Master. Her only need is to please him.

The level of responsibility for a Master is much greater than that of a Dom. He has absolute control over his slave. He makes every decision. This is not about being abusive however. It’s about His satisfaction in having that level of control, and her satisfaction for relinquishing all responsibility except for obedience.

A Dom is not less than a Master. It’s simply a different role. For example, in a poly relationship, a man can have both a sub and a slave, so he can simultaneously be in the role of Master and Dom.

Value

chain

When talking to submissives in the lifestyle, invariably I will hear a story of a past D/s relationship where they felt they were not valued. While many of us think valuing another person is basic common sense, it’s apparent that many dominant men skew their own self-assessed value to the point where their partners’ perceived worth is practically non-existent.

Hierarchical roles in no way define value. A Dom’s value is equal to his sub’s value. This is an essential concept for every Dom to grasp. Even if you’re a Master, your slave’s intrinsic value is no less than your own. D/s relationships are consensual. She serves you because she chooses to serve you. She attends to your needs and follows your direction because that is what she wants to do…follow your lead.

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Submissive Romance

subromanceOften people see the D/s relationship as being all about sex, dominance and submission (and likely some amounts of bondage and S&M sprinkled in with it). Yes, those are certainly defining aspects that set this type of relationship apart from others, but do not forget that it is still a relationship.

There are certain traits in common with almost all long term, love & sex relationships. The most important of these is romance. Many men wince at the word and unfortunately some Doms feel their role excludes them from this requirement. However, a quality Dom must take care to keep romance as a central feature. In fact, it should be held above all other facets of the relationship.

Why? Because the sub’s desire to serve is tied directly to this. It is in the same vein as the prince who rescues the maiden. It is the fairy-tale story re-written for adults with a kinky twist.

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Understanding Limits

limitsEvery relationship has limits. Every. Single. One. Those who tell you they do not have limits are either lying, delusional or not safe and sane. Yes, even slaves have limits. Thoughts to the contrary are fantasy.

Ok, so we know there are limits. But let’s take a moment to become familiar with the types of limits in the D/s lifestyle. There are a few common ones that you should be aware of and include in your own relationship.

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